There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
