Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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