I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
