Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
