I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
