So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Don't make out with my wife yet
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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