If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
