Cold hands, warm shart.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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