The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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