They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
