my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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