I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
