you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
