You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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