is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
