Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
