First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm bleeding and have questions
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
