What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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