I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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