so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
