Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
