just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize