Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
