I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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