I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
