I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
