He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's official drugs can't kill me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
