My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
