I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize