Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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