I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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