i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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