i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
