Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
