Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
