i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
