Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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