Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
