You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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