I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
that may or may not have been my penis.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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