she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
