I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
