mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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