you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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