so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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