tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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