Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
