So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
