Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
