If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
