Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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