I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize