Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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