my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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