is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
