Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
