if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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