You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
