did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
