I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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