apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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