Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I want her autograph on my taint
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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