I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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